Long ago  and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days  of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of  innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was  in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place  was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

We longed for love and  romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.
  ;
We  danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And  cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me ,   Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean  McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we  expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me ,  Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me ,  Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of  gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a  chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T  ,
And Oprah couldn't talk, yet, in the Land That Made Me ,  Me.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn  Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me ,  Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in  gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me ,  Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and  'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed in the  Land That Made Me ,  Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to  talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at  the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were  fiction in the Land That Made Me ,  Me.

Buicks came  with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And  bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts  below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That  Made Me ,  Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had  no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads  for condoms in the Land That Made Me ,  Me.

There  were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was  forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That  Made Me ,  Me.

But all things have a season, or so  we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.

They send us invitations to  join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That  Made Me ,  Me.

So now we face a brave new world in  slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller  print in magazines.

And we tell our children's  children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in  the Land That Made Me ,  Me.

For those of you. too young to remember Bob Hope,

ask your Grandparents!!! and 'Thanks for the Memories'

I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE 

AND IN YOUR HEART. 
 
ON TURNING 80 'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90 'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100 ' I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon .Then it's time  for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING 'I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR  'Welcome to the Academy Awards or as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF 'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS ' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER ' When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulation.'!! You have an eight-pound ham'.'

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL 'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY  'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother'        

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS 'That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES ' I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN 'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.' 



Give me a sense of humor.  Lord,

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And pass it on to other folks.